| A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much
to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team."
The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Ready? Let
me see you catch a few."
The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him
to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and
speed. Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after
ball over the centerfield fence. The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see
your run."
The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying
pan. Boing!
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece
of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't
you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house,
feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and
she repeats the frying pan swatting. Boing!!
Man: "What's that for
this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"
A horseback riding trip had been
organized and everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse
before?", etc.
Everyone's told: "It's simple. The horses are all neck rein trained. Hold
the reins in one hand. To turn left, move the reins left. To turn right, move the reins right.
If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow down, then back up. To make the horse go, kick
gently."
At this point, someone exclaims: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and kick user interface."
Lou Holtz (legendary Notre Dame football coach) told the story of the farmer with the large
farm cart that needed to be pulled by his one horse. Needing to motivate the horse to maximum
ability, he called out to the horse "....on Sandy", and snapped his horse whip in the air; but
the horse doesn't move. Next he calls out "...on Daisy", snaps his whip in the air; again, the
horse doesn't move. Tries "...on Beauty", snaps the whip...nothing. Next the man calls out "...on
Dusty", snaps the whip, and the horse starts pulling the cart.
A bystander, having watched
all this, goes up to the farmer and says, "If you knew the horse's name, why didn't you call that
one out first?"
To which the farmer replied, "Dusty's blind; if she thought she had to pull
that cart all by herself, we would've never got going."
Horse Logic Theory (Simplified)
A proof that a horse has an infinite number of legs:
By inspection and symmetry we see
that a horse has an even number of legs.
However, when we count them, we see he has
two legs in the back and forelegs in the front, which is a total of six legs.
Six is certainly
an odd number of legs for a horse.
The only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
Therefore, a horse has an infinite number of legs.
A woman was riding her horse beside a creek one
day when she heard a voice call out "You there!.. down here.. I'm on this rock! "
She looks
down to see a frog on a rock. The frog says, "Pick me up! I am a handsome prince and if
you kiss me , I will turn back into one and make you VERY HAPPY!"
She gets down from her horse
and picks up the frog and puts him in her pocket and continues to ride.
The frog yells, "HEY
, I TOLD YOU, I AM A HANDSOME PRINCE ... KISS ME AND YOU WILL SEE!!"
The woman takes the frog
out of pocket, holds him in her palm and says, "Now frog, I am a Dressage rider and I don't have
time for any handsome prince..... But a talking frog, now THAT'S COOL! "
Contributed by: C. Bishop
A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart, so
he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then
he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally
he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
A horse is tied up at a hitching post. A little
dog comes along and starts playing around the horse. The horse gets annoyed and starts pawing
the ground. The dog look up and asks "What are you doing that for?" The horse looks down and says,
"Well I'll be darned, a talking dog!"
Mutt and Jeff went shopping for horses.
When they each had found the horse they wanted,
they were in a quandary.
"How will we tell which horse is yours and which is mine?" asked Mutt
"You crop your horse's ears, and I'll leave mine as they are!" answered Jeff.
"No!!! That would
hurt your horse!" said Mutt, "I'll cut my horse's tail, and you keep your horse's tail long."
"No, no!!!" shouted Jeff," horses need their tails long for balance!!"
"I know!!" exclaimed
Mutt, "Branding!!! I'll put a big 'X' on the rear of my horse, and you put a big 'Y' on the front
of your horse."
"No, no, no!!! My horse is too beautiful to mark up like that!" yelled Jeff.
"I've got it!!!" Mutt said. "You take the black one, I'll take the white one!"
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection.
Samuel sued the driver of the car.
In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report,
you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well ... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff
on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first
looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him
injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has
a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up
me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'
A man's car stalls on a country road. When he gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby
field comes up along side the fence and leans over by him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,"
says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer.
He tells the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right
eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says
the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."
I had a near death experience that has changed
me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just
when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened,
I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop
or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness...the store manager came
and unplugged it!
Horse owner's Latin motto: "Equus.....Costus.....Muchus"
A horse walks into a bar, orders a soda, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading
his paper.
The waiter is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the soda, and brings it over
to the horse, who hands him a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that
bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse
with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.
The horse eventually finishes his soda and
goes up to the bar to order another. Says the bartender to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses
in here."
To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a soda, I'm not surprised.
A fellow in a state of total inebriation put the
pommel toward his horse's tail. when it was pointed out to him, he said, "Mind your business.
How do you know which way I am gohing?"
And lastly, no compendium of horse humor
would be complete without:
A horse walked into a bar.
The bartender asked,
"Why the long face?".
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